** The end is where to start **
It's that pattern again. I can see it. I can feel it. The fear. The memories. The anxiety. His voice comes back. I can almost see him, shouting, cursing and trying to hurt me in every way possible. I scream at him, "leave me alone!!".
But, my voice! I have no voice. It's like It's been muted.
I try to scream more but I end up losing my strength and my breath. Then, I panic. I can't breathe, I can't scream and there is no one around to hold me. Except for him looking at me and laughing.
He's ugly voice, face, behaviors are in every man I meet. He's always there. He won't leave. I want him to die. To disappear. To set me free. But he won't...
Maybe it's time to give up.
A woman or a man.
Maybe He Doesn't Exist
I can be nice. Sometimes!
Sometimes I actually enjoy being rude to people I hate.
And I hate for a good reason.
I mean like I really really enjoy it! Sometimes, it even makes me happy!
This is creepy! OK, now I hate me.
Usually, friendships end without anybody knowing how or even when. It's weird!
Anyway, I broke up with a friend recently and it was better than I expected.
Honesty all the way.
Is to accept that you can't change what happened and it is what it is.
Pretending that it never happened is just stupid!
Stupid person speaking -.-
Sperm and wars!
I still like my guy friends, though. They're cool.
"They say home is where the heart is
But my heart is wild and free
So am I homeless? Or just heartless?
Did I start this? Did it start me?"
Loving you made me lonely, confused, and lost
Loving you broke my heart and left me hanging
Loving you killed me slowly
I love you but it's time to move on!
When you stop caring about what people think.
When you have the courage to fight for us
When you love me enough.
When you read this!
Is it timing?
Is it God?
Is it family?
Is it religion?
Is it life?
Or is it all in my imagination?
If doing the right thing, makes you miserable and kills you slowly deep down.
If doing the right thing, makes you lonely, confused and lost.
If doing the right thing, fills you with regrets and sorrows.
Would you still do it?
Is the only sulotion I know!
"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Me, myself, and I
But it ended before it started!
I would be the charecter that everyone thinks she knows nothing, she's innocent and naive.
Yet, she knows everything about everyone. She knows everyone's dirty little secrets, what they've lied about, what they actually want and how they will react to most situations.
Which is why she thinks most humans are boring and extremely predictable once you get to know them.
When it's time to leave and let go..
Maybe I never loved them.
Maybe I never loved anyone.
Maybe I do have zero emotions and what's left is only desire!
Maybe I should stop comparing myself to others and accept who I am. Or maybe I should see a therapist!!
I get scared when I realize how easy it is for me to let go. To erase all the memories. To never look back.
They control us the same way a marionettist controls a marionette...
"Losing the people I love to death" Was my answer to my friend's question a few weeks ago.
I lost someone I truly love today. I lost them alive! It's a lot worse than losing them to death because it was their choice.
Actually, I think I lost them a long time ago.
Maybe, but in my book of life, a family is where you feel home. Where you can be yourself. where you can feel safe.
A family could be your friends, your pets, your lover, your mom, the staff of your favorite coffee shop.
Or all of the above.
"A group consisting of two parents and their children living together as a unit."
"All the descendants of a common ancestor."
It's funny how the meaning of the word family never applis to me. It's quite the opposite!
In my opinion, absolutely not. It's weird how we are so confident that we can achieve justice by following few rules. As if justice comes in one form that never changes. What's fair to me can be unfair to someone else and vice versa.
Life is unfair, so how and why will there ever be true justice?
At this stage of my life, my definition of love is bullshit.
I'm back to the same streets, same buildings and same people. I'm back to the same place I escaped a year ago. I'm older and wiser. I'm still very short but I've matured or at least I hope I have. I'm also stronger, crazier and different. Tottally different!
Tonight I celebrated my 26th birthday with my crazy and amazing friends in Tbilisi, Georgia. We danced and sang together. We shared delicious food cooked by our African friend. It was a magical night. It was also the celebration of my first year of travel.